While I was with the Sisters, I felt the need to "escape" from my fears and doubts... but that never happens quite as planned. I decided to spend some time in my room with my mp3 player, and this song came up, which just seemed to speak to everything I was feeling. I'm amazed at how often songs can do that. The song is Wild Horses by Natasha Bedingfield, audio found here.
All I want is the wind in my hairI wish it was easier, sometimes, to leave behind my fears and just do the things that I know my heart desires. To "recklessly love" without fear. The more I reflect on choosing to live as a religious, the more I realize that it is about "reckless abandonment" of myself to God - to love God with every fiber of my being because by loving God so completely I am more completely fulfilled, more completely myself.
To face the fear but not feel scared
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free
Recklessly abandoning myself before you
The challenge for me right now is holding that knowledge close while the world around me says that happiness is found in all sorts of other ways, ways that are definitely not part of religious life.
3 comments:
to recklessly love without fear isn't meant to be easy. it requires all of you, and often in exhausting ways. it asks for everything, prefacing that demand with the disclaimer that you won't always get back what you put in ... and it takes a long time to get to being okay with that.
it has to be hard - that's why it is such a huge thing. if everyone did it with ease, it wouldn't mean much of anything because it wouldn't require the trust or the effort or the sincerity. but it's how we're called to love God and one another, so it's a worthy goal.
the good news is that when it comes to God, we don't have to have the same fears / walls that we might have with others. abandoning ourselves to Him (in his mercy and his trustworthiness) is much safer than anything else.
praying for you! as always, it's a path, something that develops, and we work through all of these little stages (fears, doubts, etc.) for a reason - it takes time, but with each step we get closer!
Hi SD!
Nice to hear from you. Thank you for dropping by my blog. It's always a pleasure to read your comments. :)
I think you're right about "living in the here-and-now, enjoying university life and family time". I think the sisters want me to do that, too, which is why I must wait. I shouldn't be in such a hurry to "grow up", anyway. One day I'll be wanting to turn BACK the clock, eh? ;)
It is lovely to hear a song express so eloquently what you are feeling at a given time. I also think there is some meaning - obvious and/or hidden - to be gained from those songs that don't seem to leave your head.
I also like Natasha Bedingfield. My favourite song of hers is "Unwritten" and, for me, it expresses some of the essence and process of discernment:
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
I caught up on your blog. You seem to be filling the pages of your "book" with many good and challenging experiences right now, and you sound happy. :)
The challenge for me right now is holding that knowledge close while the world around me says that happiness is found in all sorts of other ways, ways that are definitely not part of religious life.
I feel that. Religious life is counter-cultural and so it is a challenge. You're not alone in that challenge, though. May God be with you.
Love and prayers,
Em -xxx-
Thank you both for your love and prayers!
AC: thanks for the encouragement. It is hard to let go of expectations and even desires that I know won't satisfy in the end. It's good to have friends to help!
Emma: Unwritten is one of my favorites, too...in fact that's why I bought the CD! It seems both of the songs are about courageously being who you are called to be--and knowing that when we let go and answer that call, our lives are full of joy and love.
I've been thinking a lot about courage, the strength we find against our fears and doubts. Thank heavens for the gifts of the Holy Spirit!
Peace!
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