Connections Part 2

The second part of my week was good also. I spoke with some far away friends (always pleasant), and I had a new friend to my home for dinner.

And I got to tell her about my vocation journey. It is so nice to have someone here, in my new community, with whom I can share this story. As you might notice, dear reader, this blog is anonymous... that is for the protection of my current status, my current job, and so most of the people I see on a day to day basis have no idea about the call that resides in my heart and soul at this point in time. But now, one more of my dear new friends shares my "secret."

I really wish the secrecy was not necessary, and I long for the day when I can shout from the rooftops the joy that is in my heart! I'm in love! And I am "going to live in God's house" - the house of my Love - just as soon as I can!

I think that is inspired by St. Valentine's Day.

"Arise, my beloved, my beautiful one, and come!"

--Song 2:10

Connections

I'm having one of those days where it is hard to connect. I'm just not into the work that I need to be doing, and I'm distracted...by nothing in particular.

So maybe what I need is a recap of the week. This week has been a good one--a little rest after a long weekend of working, and then some productive days as well. I teach one weekend a month (last weekend) for a marathon of 9 hours over 2 days (sounds okay, but it's way more than the usual 3 hour seminar length class). And at the end I am exhausted. So the rest of the week, I basically have to make up for the work that was put off last week in preparation for the weekend. Phew.

But I did it. It's done for now. And I'm still in need of more sleep.

Spiritual direction is going so well. My spiritual guru guide is fantastic--always full of wisdom that helps me further on my path. A phrase from him that keeps coming up is "mystical union with Christ in action." He's talking about "contemplatives in action" - that mode of religious life that wants to keep the contemplation of the monastery while also actively participating in the world. Fr. Joe relates it to several phrases from the Gospels, especially when Jesus talks of doing the will of the Father. So that, mystical union with Christ in action is about uniting my will with the will of God, knowing that what I am doing is what God wills. Really being an instrument of God. It also means trusting the guidance of the Holy Spirit in me, in my (religious) community, in those whom I vow to obey.

I don't think I explain it well, but it is an idea that will captivate me for some time.

Quote

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."

-- Fulton Sheen

I read this and couldn't help laughing.

Leaving Everything Behind

"Leaving everything behind, Levi got up and followed Jesus."

So I think this might be my answer to reflections from Thursday--leaving everything behind. How gutsy was it of Levi to follow Jesus? For that matter, how gutsy is it for anyone to leave behind their lives to follow Jesus?

While I struggle with the "what-ifs" of this question, I am so happy with my decision to join a religious community. I was walking last night, under the stars, and I was thinking about friends who are far away, whom I love and miss. I was sad. And then I started thinking about how my life is changing, how my attitudes are different, and how I am going to (as my friend put it) "live in God's house." God has chosen me, and I see that chosen life in front of me, and I am happy.

I'm still sad about the friends that I miss, but they are still with me, and they are still supportive of me, even if they are far away. I look forward to the time when I will not be just thinking about religious life and what it will be like, but when I will be living it!

Quote of the Day

from Henri Nouwen, Can You Drink the Cup?

"Community is like a large mosaic. Each little piece seems so insignificant. One piece is bright red, another cold blue or dull green, another warm purple, another sharp yellow, another shining gold. Some look precious, others ordinary. Some look valuable, others worthless. Some look gaudy, others delicate. As individual stones, we can do little with them except compare them and judge their beauty and value. When, however, all these little stones are brought together in one big mosaic portraying the face of Christ, who would ever question the importance of any one of them? If one of them, even the least spectacular one, is missing, the face is incomplete. Together in the one mosaic, each little stone is indispensable and makes a unique contribution to the glory of God. That's community, a fellowship of little people who together make God visible in the world."

Reflection on yesterday's Gospel

"If anyone wishes to come after me, she must deny herself and take up her cross daily and follow me. For whoever wishes to save her life will lose it, but whoever loses her life for my sake will save it. What profit is there for one to gain the whole world yet lose or forfeit herself?"

Gospel for the day--I can't get it out of my head, especially "whoever loses her life for my sake will save it."

I have been really worried about money lately--specifically about how to pay off all my debts and still have a little left over to save just in case religious life doesn't work out, or to give to the Society if it does (as a small contribution toward my many student loan debts). But I don't think it will work out with much extra. It will be possible to pay off my debts by the end of summer 2009, but not with leftovers. Though I know it will work out, I had to resign myself to the possibility that there will be nothing left after the debts are taken care of.

Scary--to enter into religious life with nothing.

But I also know that that is the point--to release myself from my material bonds. It's just easier to think about when I am not actively trying to do it.

Whoever loses her life… whoever abandons all plans and safeguards for future comfort and follows the Lord in the present moment, wherever he might lead. Jesus, I know you love me and will take care of my needs, but I am scared.

Ashes

As Lent begins, I am thinking (along with so many others) about what sort of penitential act I will be doing for the next six weeks. I have to admit, I'm not one who is "into" penance--I think it's probably better in our world to look at Lent as a time to develop a better relationship with God, not necessarily a time to deprive ourselves of something that we enjoy. That said, some of the things we enjoy are not that good for us, spiritually or physically.

My Lenten decision: no television. Sigh. That is going to be hard, but I think it will be good for me. Six weeks without sexy advertisements, trying to get me to buy things that I don't need and to eat or drink things that really shouldn't be part of anyone's diet. Six weeks without sitcoms that focus on the characters' sex lives. Six weeks without the blood and guts of CSI and Law and Order. Even six weeks without the latest poll results for the upcoming election.

Six weeks of reading books! Praying more. Cleaning my kitchen more often. Exercising. Reading books (!).

The hardest part for me is the silence--living in an apartment alone is very quiet. I hear the tic-toc of the cuckoo clock, but little else. Again, that means more time for prayer, good solid habitual prayer.

My hope: that by the end of Lent, I will be ready to give away the television for good.

(I was thinking also about shutting down the computer--clearly something that has not happened. But I think that computer/internet use will be curtailed as well.)

Happy Lenting!