"How Did He Open Your Eyes?"

The Gospel reading for today really struck a chord with me. (We used the "Year A" option, for there were Catechumens and Candidates with us.) The reading was John 9:1-41, the healing of the man blind from birth.

The part that caught my attention especially was when the Pharisees were questioning the healed man about how he was healed, doubting his answers and asking him repeatedly. They ask, "How did he open your eyes?"

I find myself asked often "How did you decide to enter a religious order?"

I can relate to the answer of the healed man (one of several answers he has to give the persistent Pharisees): "One thing I know is that I was blind and now I see."

How did I decide to enter a religious order? I don't really know. I just know that one day Jesus opened my eyes to see that this is the path he wishes me to take. In a lot of ways, I don't see it as my decision at all, even though (of course) I did freely choose it, and I know I am free to choose another path.

I can give all sorts of little answers to the question--about how I'm a theologian, so Catholicism is really important to me; that I have a desire to grow spiritually and to serve others; that I am attracted to this particular group of sisters because of their combination of contemplation and apostolic ministry, as well as their educational focus....

But none of these answers is nearly as strong in my mind as that gentle tug that I feel from Jesus to love Him with my whole being, and to give myself to this way of living Love.

Almost there

So, I know my blog has been ignored for awhile.... I think it's about those "unbloggables" as some people say. Not to worry. All is fine.

My final interview for the application process is next Wednesday, and then the Society is supposed to make their decision shortly after that! I'm excited and at peace with all of it. And I am grateful to be able to say that (thank you, Jesus!).

Please send up a little prayer this week. Many blessings to each of you!

Reflections on Being Called

I'm (again) in the middle of many books! The two dominant ones are Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston and The Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris.

The Cloister Walk is fascinating, with the author's Protestant faithful perspective on the liturgy of the hours and monastic living. She seems more catholic than she lets on! She discusses the saints and humanity in beautiful language, and what she says speaks to me in unexpected ways. Here's one example, from a discussion of Jeremiah:

"All of us, I suspect, have times when we're made to suffer simply for being who and what we are, and we become adept at inventing means of escape. ... Jeremiah reminded me that the pain that comes from one's identity, that grows out of the response to a call, can't be escaped or pushed aside. It must be gone through. He led me into that heart of pain, forcing me to recognize that to answer a call as a prophet, or a poet for that matter, is to reject the authority of credentials, of human valuation of any kind, accepting only the authority of the call itself." (p.38)

A few pages later:
"Walter Brueggeman, in a book on the prophets entitled Hopeful Imagination, suggests that 'a sense of call in our time is profoundly countercultural,' and notes that 'the ideology of our time is that we can live "an uncalled life," one not referred to any purpose beyond one's self.' I suspect that this idol of the autonomous, uncalled life has a shadow side that demands that we resist the notion that another might be different, might indeed experience a call. Our idol of the autonomous individual is a sham; the truth is we expect everyone to be the same, and dismiss as elitist those who are working through a call to any genuine vocation. It may be that our culture so fears the necessary other that it has grown unable to identify and name real differences without becoming defensive about them."

These words speak to my own internal struggles with a vocation and how it is perceived. All of us know that choosing religious life is countercultural--who else gives up sex, money, and power? But, of course, there's more to it than that. In my heart, there is the knowledge that if I don't listen to this calling, even if it leads me back to where I started, I will not be happy. I will not be at peace with myself and with God. Despite any hardships that listening to the call might bring.

One Very Long (and Productive) Week

I just returned last night from a full week in St. Louis, completing much of the application to the Society of the Sacred Heart. I'm happy to report that all went well, and that the application is almost finished!

One of the big things about discernment has been self-discovery. I wonder how many people really consider who they are as deeply as someone who is exploring religious life. This last week was yet another opportunity to learn about myself, with a psychologist pointing out both my weaknesses and my strengths. It was a growth-filled experience, though it leaves me with some sadness about my past. I hope that the things I (and the Society) learned will be helpful in formation and community living.

It was a lovely week with the sisters. I stayed in two different houses, and greatly enjoyed being in each one. I am grateful for the brief glimpse at community living! I look forward to having it full time. (Knowing also that full time will be a bit more challenging than a one-week stint!)

And so we begin once again.

Well, enough about the kitties.

Life is full and busy. The semester started, and my classes are going well. I have a wide assortment of students, anything from those who are well educated in the subjects I teach to those who have never had a theology course in their life.

I will be making a clear distinction between "catechesis" and "theology." I do not teach catechesis to graduate students--you may read your own copy of the Catechism if you need that background. I will be assuming that my students understand generally the basic tenets of the faith, so that we can delve into theological explanations.

On another note, my application is moving through the RSCJ. I just set up my first interview for the beginning of October. Pray for me!

Looking Out for Number One

So, becoming a nun is counter-cultural.

Huh. I never would have thought. (Sarcasm drips...)

I've just been visiting some people, and while I had realized how different my mindset is becoming, it was really brought home to me this visit.

I'm a pretty quiet person, and so often I listen more than I speak. Which seems to mean that sometimes I hear lots more than I care to. This weekend, it was stories about sex (not my favorite topic), and a little bit about how "I used to be Catholic, but..." which usually ends in the sex abuse scandal.

And then there is the whole attitude about money and self-promotion. Here's a sample of one conversation:

A friend: So, what do you do about money?
Me: Well, the order takes care of my needs and my salary goes to them.
Friend: So, how does that work, exactly?
Me: I don't really know yet. It's not all that important to me.
Friend: I guess you never really have been focused on getting money.


And also about careers:
Friend: What if they ask you to do something that you don't want to do?
Me: Well, I'm not sure of all the details, but I know that we discuss those sorts of things together.
Friend: So, you can tell them what you want.
Me: Yes and no. It's a conversation, like if you were married, you wouldn't make big career decisions without consulting your spouse. I let them know what I think God is calling me to do, and we discuss the issue. If they need me to serve in a particular way, then I will take on that ministry.

I got the feeling from that conversation that my friend never really understood that I'm not "looking out for number one" anymore, but that my life will be in service to others. {As I write, perhaps it's that I'm looking out for number One? Doing what the Divine One needs?)

It makes me sad for two reasons: that the people I love don't really understand what I'm doing, and that so many people in the world are attached to sex, money, and self-promotion. I want to just shout--does this really make you happy? If it does, then why is it never enough???

But I'm trying to simply patiently explain what happens, and to hope that it starts to make sense to those I care about.

Reflecting on religious life

I got out of the habit of blogging, and now it is hard to return! But I am finally back in my own home, and adjusting to a new summer schedule. So here's to blogging, once again!

I had a wonderful 3 weeks of travel, to California (both northern and southern) and to St. Louis, Missouri. I was fortunate to be able to attend the Jesuit ordinations in St. Louis--what a powerful ceremony. It was really a wonderful journey for me, and it helped me to see some things about religious life that I hadn't noticed before.

One of my concerns lately has been the question: how does living as a woman religious in today's world really contribute to the church? If we (women) can't be ordained, then what is the use of becoming part of the institution, so to speak?

I guess I struggle with this because I don't really understand the reasons for keeping women from priesthood to begin with (but that is another story for another time). Yes, I know what the church teaches, and I accept it for the sake of union, but it just doesn't make logical sense to me.

There is a second reason why I struggle with this issue: I believe that I do contribute to the church. I teach Catholic theology, and I feel that this is a gift that God has given to me, that I then share with the church. So, why become a nun? How does that make any difference at all? I mean, I contribute without being a nun, so what does it matter if my lifestyle is different?

I still don't know the answer. But watching the four men who were ordained Jesuits in St. Louis helped me to see that ordination for them does not define their service to the world. These are men who have lived religious life for over a decade each, and ordination (it seems to me) is simply another step of their formation and their life. It's not meaningless, but it also isn't what defines them in their lives as religious. They did not become Jesuits solely to be priests (if they did, they surely would have chosen something with a shorter formation program!), but their priesthood is part of a greater contribution to the Catholic world.

Maybe that's the distinction I need to see also. I do not want to become a nun to serve the church, per se, but to serve the world and the human beings who live in it. It's not about an institution, but rather it's about sharing God's love with people!

So while I don't really have an answer to my question, I have a better understanding of the value of religious life. It offers me a way to live that makes it easier to serve the world in a bigger way than I can on my own. That's certainly not the whole of it, but at least I feel like I've understood another little bit.

Home and Gone Again

I'm only home for a couple of days before travelling again, but a post is long overdue here. My trip to San Francisco was wonderful. I spent about a week in Oakland, and then a couple of days at the nuns' retirement facility before returning home.

Both places were fantastic. In Oakland, I spent lots of time with an international group of RSCJ, learning a little more about their respective cultures, and the international charism of the order. Every sister I met is such a wonderful woman--so loving and self-giving, truly living out the love of God.

I had two days in the school, one working with kids of all ages for their Field Day, and a second tutoring a middle-school boy one-on-one. I'm certainly not experienced in such teaching, but it was a rewarding experience on many levels. It definitely requires one to be patient, but also not to be a push-over!

A couple of days with retired sisters will make anyone a happier person. These women are amazing. I know, I just said that a few paragraphs back! The women in the retirement facility range from in their 70s to 98. Many are over 90. Now, this is not a nursing home, but rather a place for rather independent women! All have served God and the world for so many decades in many different ministries, and their love for God and others radiates so strongly. I had some lovely conversations, and got some very profound advice.

In one conversation, we were talking about the discernment process as sort of "dating" God... The sister I was speaking with said, "Always keep dating God."

Excellent advice, no?

I can certainly tell that she was "dating" God, even after her decades of religious life.

I am very thankful for the time that I spent in California. I learned so much from each of these women. I am truly blessed to be a part of their community, and I look forward to being even more closely united with them.

Poverty, Chastity, and Obedience

I know it's been a while since I posted anything substantive. It's mostly just been so busy--the last week of the semester is upon us (thankfully), and I have papers to grade!

I'm in a good place generally. The good news is that I have been given permission to move forward with my application. I'm so happy! There is a lot of work to do with it, and a lot of discernment still in my path.... But it is work that helps me grow, and so I'm thankful for it.

One of the things on my mind lately is that last vow -- obedience. I've thought a lot about the other two, and I think for now they are settled in my mind. I don't think they will be easy to follow all the time, but I think I can come to terms with them and have started to already. I know that living them is freeing, that it leaves me open to love and to serve more completely.

Obedience is coming up now, as I realize that I want to decide where I go for my candidacy year (God willing that I am accepted). There are certain things I want to do and certain places I would rather spend that year. I am so accustomed to making all the decisions about my life and my job, about where I live and what I am doing, that I think it only just dawned on me that I need to let that go.

I think that the Society generally listens to its members and works with their talents, so I don't imagine that I will be completely excluded from the process. But I want to be in complete control! That is what I need to let go of.

I guess, what I am praying for now, is the freedom in my heart to walk away joyfully from university teaching, if that is where the Spirit blows.

finding meaning in music

I have this song in my head, from last week with the Sisters. It must have some meaning if it's still stuck in my head...

While I was with the Sisters, I felt the need to "escape" from my fears and doubts... but that never happens quite as planned. I decided to spend some time in my room with my mp3 player, and this song came up, which just seemed to speak to everything I was feeling. I'm amazed at how often songs can do that. The song is Wild Horses by Natasha Bedingfield, audio found here.

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to

Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

Recklessly abandoning myself before you

I wish it was easier, sometimes, to leave behind my fears and just do the things that I know my heart desires. To "recklessly love" without fear. The more I reflect on choosing to live as a religious, the more I realize that it is about "reckless abandonment" of myself to God - to love God with every fiber of my being because by loving God so completely I am more completely fulfilled, more completely myself.

The challenge for me right now is holding that knowledge close while the world around me says that happiness is found in all sorts of other ways, ways that are definitely not part of religious life.

Easter Blessings!

This (slightly blurry) image was taken at the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris.

I am back home after a lovely Holy Week and Easter spent with the Sisters! I have to admit that the week was fantastic, more peaceful and happy than I expected.

It was simply... comfortable. I wouldn't say it was exciting, really, not the way a big vacation to a resort or to Disney World might be exciting. It was more like finding a comfortable place to spend some time, finding a community in which I could belong.

I learned a lot. I saw how four very strong women of different personalities and with different needs can live together in a community. We worked and prayed together, and talked. There was lots of laughter, giggling, and some tears! I am thankful for these women and the lives they live in service to the world. I am thankful (and humbled!) to have spend so much time with them.

There is more to say, but I cannot find the words. I pray for strength and courage to do what God has laid out ahead of me.

Holy Week

Just a quick update, as the sisters hold their weekly staff meeting...

This week has been wonderful so far--very peaceful and comfortable. I am enjoying my time with the sisters and learning more and more about their ministries and how they live . They offer housing for student groups who come to work with Habitat for Humanity or other house-building organizations. In the evenings, they offer guest speakers or reflections for the students as well. It is really a great program.

So a few of the things I have learned this week:
1. Liturgical dance is lovely when done well. (Who knew??)
2. The world is very small. (I keep meeting people that I have known in other places at different times!)
3. Community living is great but not without its challenges.

That's all for now. More to come when I get a chance!

Connections Part 2

The second part of my week was good also. I spoke with some far away friends (always pleasant), and I had a new friend to my home for dinner.

And I got to tell her about my vocation journey. It is so nice to have someone here, in my new community, with whom I can share this story. As you might notice, dear reader, this blog is anonymous... that is for the protection of my current status, my current job, and so most of the people I see on a day to day basis have no idea about the call that resides in my heart and soul at this point in time. But now, one more of my dear new friends shares my "secret."

I really wish the secrecy was not necessary, and I long for the day when I can shout from the rooftops the joy that is in my heart! I'm in love! And I am "going to live in God's house" - the house of my Love - just as soon as I can!

I think that is inspired by St. Valentine's Day.

"Arise, my beloved, my beautiful one, and come!"

--Song 2:10

Connections

I'm having one of those days where it is hard to connect. I'm just not into the work that I need to be doing, and I'm distracted...by nothing in particular.

So maybe what I need is a recap of the week. This week has been a good one--a little rest after a long weekend of working, and then some productive days as well. I teach one weekend a month (last weekend) for a marathon of 9 hours over 2 days (sounds okay, but it's way more than the usual 3 hour seminar length class). And at the end I am exhausted. So the rest of the week, I basically have to make up for the work that was put off last week in preparation for the weekend. Phew.

But I did it. It's done for now. And I'm still in need of more sleep.

Spiritual direction is going so well. My spiritual guru guide is fantastic--always full of wisdom that helps me further on my path. A phrase from him that keeps coming up is "mystical union with Christ in action." He's talking about "contemplatives in action" - that mode of religious life that wants to keep the contemplation of the monastery while also actively participating in the world. Fr. Joe relates it to several phrases from the Gospels, especially when Jesus talks of doing the will of the Father. So that, mystical union with Christ in action is about uniting my will with the will of God, knowing that what I am doing is what God wills. Really being an instrument of God. It also means trusting the guidance of the Holy Spirit in me, in my (religious) community, in those whom I vow to obey.

I don't think I explain it well, but it is an idea that will captivate me for some time.

Leaving Everything Behind

"Leaving everything behind, Levi got up and followed Jesus."

So I think this might be my answer to reflections from Thursday--leaving everything behind. How gutsy was it of Levi to follow Jesus? For that matter, how gutsy is it for anyone to leave behind their lives to follow Jesus?

While I struggle with the "what-ifs" of this question, I am so happy with my decision to join a religious community. I was walking last night, under the stars, and I was thinking about friends who are far away, whom I love and miss. I was sad. And then I started thinking about how my life is changing, how my attitudes are different, and how I am going to (as my friend put it) "live in God's house." God has chosen me, and I see that chosen life in front of me, and I am happy.

I'm still sad about the friends that I miss, but they are still with me, and they are still supportive of me, even if they are far away. I look forward to the time when I will not be just thinking about religious life and what it will be like, but when I will be living it!

Reflection on yesterday's Gospel

"If anyone wishes to come after me, she must deny herself and take up her cross daily and follow me. For whoever wishes to save her life will lose it, but whoever loses her life for my sake will save it. What profit is there for one to gain the whole world yet lose or forfeit herself?"

Gospel for the day--I can't get it out of my head, especially "whoever loses her life for my sake will save it."

I have been really worried about money lately--specifically about how to pay off all my debts and still have a little left over to save just in case religious life doesn't work out, or to give to the Society if it does (as a small contribution toward my many student loan debts). But I don't think it will work out with much extra. It will be possible to pay off my debts by the end of summer 2009, but not with leftovers. Though I know it will work out, I had to resign myself to the possibility that there will be nothing left after the debts are taken care of.

Scary--to enter into religious life with nothing.

But I also know that that is the point--to release myself from my material bonds. It's just easier to think about when I am not actively trying to do it.

Whoever loses her life… whoever abandons all plans and safeguards for future comfort and follows the Lord in the present moment, wherever he might lead. Jesus, I know you love me and will take care of my needs, but I am scared.

My Discernment Story

I have been considering religious life seriously for over a year, since I went on a retreat in July 2006. When I first thought about it, it came as a total surprise--I have graduate degrees in theology, and I had spent years adamantly telling people that I was not going to be a nun! That seems to be the question people ask when they find out you are studying theology. Then that July, a few months after I finally graduated, I knew I had to really think about that question. Am I called to religious life?

I looked at a few religious orders, but I soon had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted. Habits hold some fascination, but the orders that wear habits are generally too "obedient" for me--too focused on the dictates of Rome, not willing to ask the questions that I want to ask (I am a theologian, after all). I'm happy to follow the Church's rules, but I need the freedom to ask "why" and to speak my mind when I think the reasons for something are insufficient.

The religious order that I ended up getting to know was the Society of the Sacred Heart, founded in 1800 by St. Madeleine Sophie Barat, who modeled the formation process after the Jesuit formation process. Lovely! The history fascinates me, and I can relate to the emphasis on education, especially an education that is transformative. And I love the Jesuits, their spirituality, and their educational systems.

The RSCJ women I have met are amazing--they welcomed me from the beginning almost as one of them. Above all, I see in them fantastic women who make a difference in the world because they love everyone with the love of the heart of Christ. I think I will always be in awe of the way they live and share their lives with the world.

I'll have to finish this story later! It's getting near bedtime!